by TheHappyHousewife -

Deployment Day #65

As I mentioned yesterday, today we tackled the playroom.

The playroom is a wine cellar that we converted into a playroom since the two bottles of wine we buy a year doesn’t really justify having an entire room dedicated to it.

And since we have approximately 1,239,775 toys turning that space into a playroom seemed like a good idea.

The problem is that the room is in the basement.

Being a Florida girl, I like to pretend we don’t have a basement because that means I have less space to keep clean. Our oldest son has a room down there and my gym is down there, but the gym is right next to the stairs so I don’t have to go any further into the basement to get to the gym.

Since the deployment started I’ve basically ignored the basement. Actually I’ve been ignoring it since I moved in, but sometimes I send the Commander down there to motivate the kids (aka threaten to throw away all the toys) and get it cleaned up.

Waiting 65 days to go into the playroom was a critical error on my part.

I glanced at the playroom the other day and noticed it needed, well let’s just say, an extreme makeover. Since my oldest was home from work I decided today would be the day to tackle the room.

Now normally when I enter a hazard zone I get upset with the kids for not taking care of their things. Today I vowed not get upset no matter what I found in the playroom.

No matter what. 

I’ve noticed that the kids don’t really like big cleaning projects if all they get is negative comments from me about how they are poor stewards of their things.

Whether this is true or not, it makes cleaning rather miserable and they end up being reluctant workers.

So, today was going to be different. Cleaning was going to be fun!

Then I entered the hazmat zone.

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Since I vowed not to get upset, it is only appropriate that the first thing I found when pulling out the bins was my son’s backpack.

With a 1/2 gallon of ice cream in it.

backpack

Thank goodness the lid was on and I’m cheap and keep my house pretty cold in the winter. The ice cream had only leaked a little bit, creating a nice white-ish green slime seeping through the backpack.

I mean who puts ice cream in a backpack and then puts it in the playroom? Upon closer inspection I noticed that the backpack not only had ice cream but sprinkles in it too- so this child (I’m thinking Cora) was totally ready for a picnic!

The entire thing made me want to vomit so I stuffed it in a trash bag and moved on.

I think finding the rotting ice cream backpack first thing was a good start to my day. What could top that?

We then dumped out all the bins of Lego’s, K’Nex, Bionicles, Playmobil, and Imaginext.

I’m pretty good at identifying Playmobil pieces but after that I’m useless. We sorted these little pieces for over three hours.

lego

As I was sorting I decided that this job should replace and interrogation methods the government is currently using. I would have done just about anything to get out of sorting those little pieces that all LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!

Of course my kids could tell me in exact detail how they were different and how Bionicle had circles and K’Nex circles weren’t really circles at all. The whole time I’m thinking, if it is so easy how come you never do it?!?!

We found all sorts of exciting things in our bins including backs of television remote controls that had been missing for months, about two hundred batteries, and even a tooth.

The tooth didn’t phase me because I was still feeling woozy from the ice cream slime.

We found a few things that we couldn’t identify, but out of concern for public health I made the kids throw them away before we could review them closely.

But we kept smiling and I even started playing DJ letting the kids pick their favorite songs to listen to while we sorted. This was actually a devious plan on my part to take a break from sorting because I was about to go crazy.

See it almost looks like we are having fun here.

Also notice how the kids have to touch everything for 10 seconds before they put it in the bin.

As I’m putting items in the bins I’m mentally timing myself to see how long it takes and then estimating how long it will take to finish the job based on my speed, accounting for the disposing of teeth, rotting backpacks, and random toilet paper bits (hopefully unused).

After about three hours I realized we were all going crazy. I was actually impressed and surprised my kids made it that long without a total meltdown.

We took a break for lunch.

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And dressed up in wigs, and dressed up the dogs. Because we now knew were our wigs were. They were at the bottom of Lego bin #7.

After lunch we got back to cleaning.

As the hours went by the kids got a little crazier. At some point they were dancing in their underwear (only the littles, we’re not that crazy) and then the dramatics started.

I think she was kidding.

I told her she wouldn’t die in the basement because there was plenty of food down here.

banana

Banana with a side of dollhouse anyone?

We cleaned and sorted for nine hours.

Nine.

We aren’t finished, but we made good progress. Hopefully we’ll finish it up this weekend.

My husband has been deployed to the Middle East for 274 days.  These are my real thoughts expressing my heart during his absence.  I appreciate your prayers and kind words as we cope, adapt, and carry on without him until August 2014.  To read from the beginning, click here.

by TheHappyHousewife -

Deployment Day #14

I knew this would happen and I’m surprised it took two weeks.

“Mom.”

“Mom!”

“MOM!!!”

“I’m sick.”

My kids like to get sick when I’m the only parent. In fact I think they plan it. Whether it’s the stomach flu, regular flu, strep throat, ear infections, general unnamed illnesses that cause them to wake me up in the middle of the night, they get it.

Maybe it is because I’ve been a single parent a lot of the time or maybe my kids just get sick a lot, I’m not really sure.

The problem is, even after seven kids I’m not really good with the middle of the night, “I’m sick” routine.

I either get up, stumble into the bathroom, grab random medicines, and then fall back into bed only to wake up and not remember anything.

Or I get up, stumble into the bathroom, grab random medicines, and then fall back into bed only to then become wide awake.

My initial response to “I’m sick” is always,

“Get a drink of water and go back to bed, you’re fine.”

Then they usually cough, snot, or vomit on me and I’m forced to act.

Since their dad use to be a nurse my kids have grown accustom to the pharmacy we have in the bathroom and usually insist on some kind of medicine. Since I pay absolutely no attention to medicine, because I only take it if I’m dying- I am not the best person to be dosing it out around here.

Tonight it was the 13 year old and I am now wide awake, way before acceptable waking hours. I should be doing something productive with this time, but the house is freezing and I don’t want to get out of bed. I’ve spent the past hour watching Disney covers on youtube and pinning blue and silver Christmas decorations, pretending my house is is going to be put back together before Christmas.

On a happier note we went to the pet store to buy dog food and a bird feeder today. I was able to successfully fend off the pleas for several rodents, a kitten, and fish.

fish

Victory.

My husband has been deployed to the Middle East for 274 days.  These are my real thoughts expressing my heart during his absence.  I appreciate your prayers and kind words as we cope, adapt, and carry on without him until August 2014.  To read from the beginning, click here.

by admin -

The Tumor

If you haven’t followed Our Story, you might want to start at the beginning.

I panicked when I walked into the house. I couldn’t tell who was hurt. I checked our toddler first and once I realized he was okay I tried to figure out what was wrong with Sailor.

He kept mumbling something and finally I realized he wanted me to check his blood pressure. I did and thought I made a mistake. It was 220/115. I took it again and it was the same. Sailor said he thought he was having a stroke. First a heart attack now a stroke… I couldn’t believe this was happening.

My mom arrived and I rushed Sailor to the ER. They took us right back (note: crazy high blood pressure will also get you right in to the ER) and Sailor was freaking out. He was sure he was dying. His cries of pain were so loud that the nurse asked him to hold it down because there were children around.

They admitted him to the hospital for tests and once again could not find anything wrong with him.

After he was discharged I didn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone with the kids. There was something wrong with him, but no one could figure out what it was.

A few weeks later his doctor at the VA Hospital tested him for a rare tumor. The test came back positive.

We were unsure what this diagnosis would mean for our family. What we knew was that Sailor had a rare tumor and that most people die from the tumor before it is found. We were fortunate.

They did an ultrasound to pinpoint the exact location of the tumor. During the ultrasound the tech asked Sailor if he had ever had cancer. He said no, he then asked if he had any previous abdominal surgeries, once again no.

Unbeknownst to Sailor he only had one kidney!

Thankfully this would have no effect on the tumor, but it was definitely unexpected.

The only cure was to remove the tumor, but the surgery was extremely risky. One mistake in the operating room could kill Sailor.

The VA Hospital wouldn’t handle such a complex case and he was assigned a surgeon at the Naval Hospital in Jacksonville. He was given medicine to reduce his blood pressure for the surgery. A spike in blood pressure during the surgery could result in a stroke or even death. To complicate things the tumor needed to be separated from his body completely before they could touch the tumor – if not he could die.

The blood pressure medicine had some serious side effects and Sailor had to withdraw from nursing school. He was unable to drive and even walking became difficult.

He had to take the medicine for four weeks before they could operate. During that time Sailor grew very depressed, he thought was going to die during the surgery. The night before the surgery we drove up to Jacksonville and stopped for dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Sailor said he wanted Mexican food for his “last meal.”

That evening Sailor ate like I had never seen him eat before. He was so stuffed that he couldn’t even get out of the booth. I anxiously sat in the booth waiting for Sailor to digest his last meal, I’m sure all my fidgeting finally convinced him he could make it to the car. We left and I dropped him off at the hospital and checked into a hotel to spend the night.

The next morning I hurried with Sailor’s parents to the hospital to see him before the surgery. We walked into the hospital room to find a half-dead looking Sailor lying in the bed.

We rushed over to him, thinking they had already given him a sedative before the surgery.

We were wrong.

Apparently the night before Sailor had been given two bottles of the stuff that cleans you out prior to surgery drink. The drink combined with enough Mexican food to feed a Mariachi band meant Sailor had spent the entire night in the bathroom. It got so bad that he finally just slept on the toilet.

He wasn’t drugged, he was exhausted.

I figured I would be sad before saying goodbye to him, but the thought of him sitting on the toilet all night with his IV pole made me giggle so I left feeling more happy than worried.

I don’t remember how long the surgery lasted but I do remember receiving occasional updates from the nurse. Things were going well but they ended up having to do a more invasive procedure than they initially expected. Instead of a few small incisions Sailor would have a fifteen inch incision across his stomach and recovery would be long and painful.

Finally the surgery was over and they allowed me into the recovery room to see him. He didn’t look good, but he was alive. I said a few things and then had to leave and wait for him to be transferred to the ICU.

When we were finally allowed to see Sailor in the ICU I was shocked. He was hooked up to so many tubes and wires you could hardly tell it was him. He wasn’t in a regular bed, he was in a chair that inflated and deflated with his movement.

Sailor hated the chair. Every chance he could he would try to move his body away from the chair, but it would inflate and press against him. He was frustrated and in pain.

It was hard to see Sailor in the ICU but it was better than the alternative.

After a few days Sailor was moved out of the ICU and into a regular room. Sailor was anxious to get home because the hospital was two hours away and visits were difficult. Finally after ten days he was released.

Our daughter ended up needing surgery on the same day Sailor was released from the hospital so his parents brought him home since I was at a different hospital. After I brought our daughter home I set up two hospital stations in the living room. Our daughter got the love seat and Sailor got the couch.

That evening my parents came over to visit. Sailor laid on one couch and we sat around talking. My father, who had major surgery a few years earlier, started cracking hospital jokes.

They were funny, really funny. I was glad to be laughing after so many months of stress. Sailor was laughing too… but he didn’t want to laugh. He asked my dad to stop the jokes, but my dad couldn’t, he was on a roll.

I finally told my dad that if he didn’t stop telling jokes he would be the one taking Sailor to the ER when he busted a stitch, or two.

My parents went home.

An hour later my father was on his way to the ER with Sailor.

 

 

by admin -

The Next Two Years…

If you haven’t followed Our Story, you might want to start at the beginning.

We had our boy and our girl, life was good. Everyone was thrilled with the ultrasound mistake, except we didn’t have a boy name. We spent the first night in the hospital looking through the hospital’s copy of 10,000 Baby Names for the perfect name for our baby.

I was excited to have a boy, but I was also confused. Several times during my pregnancy I had very vivid dreams about our family. It was always Sailor, myself and three little girls. I was sure God was showing me a glimpse into our future since so often I had no hope of a future with Sailor. I was confused as to how these very real dreams could be totally wrong!

I was thrilled with our little boy though and we soon agreed on a name and brought him home from the hospital.

All was well in the world until our sweet little boy was about three weeks old.

I do not remember much about the next four months. Our little boy was very, very sick. We were at the doctor’s office every few days. He would regularly stop breathing in our arms and he would choke and projectile vomit during almost every feeding. He didn’t smile, roll over, gain weight, or even make eye contact.

We were desperate. Our little girl had never been sick or even cried. She only went to the doctor for well check-ups. Our little boy had his own wing at the pediatrician’s office.

Not only did he suffer from chronic ear infections starting a two months old, thrush, failure to thrive and several other odd medical problems he had colic. He cried every night from 5 pm until 2 am. Not just cried but screamed, screamed until he threw up, choked, or stopped breathing.

No one would babysit him because they were afraid he would choke or stop breathing while we weren’t home, so there was never a break. Sailor didn’t handle the crying very well so I grew resentful that I was stuck with this sick, screaming baby, 24/7.

Finally when he was about four months old the colic stopped. The thrush went away and a few of the other issues were remedied as well. He was still very delayed, but at least he wasn’t turning blue and screaming all day.

After being confined to the house for almost five months, except for doctor’s visits, I decided to enroll in college to finish my last year of school. Sailor and I arranged our schedules so that we didn’t need a babysitter except for a few hours one day a week when our classes overlapped.

This new life worked. We didn’t spend much time time together so it was easier to get along. We made friends and reconnected with a few old friends.

About a year after our little boy was born our friends were babysitting while Sailor was at school and I was gone. Sailor got home before me and called to tell me to come home right away. Something was wrong.

I arrived home to find Sailor holding our son (wearing nothing but a diaper) in front of a portable fan. He didn’t look quite right. Sailor told me he had taken his temperature and it was 107.6. I told Sailor our thermometer must be wrong, but he did seem very, very sick.

He gave him a dose of motrin while I waited on hold for Tricare to give us permission to take him to the ER. (We had taken him to the ER previously without approval and ended up with huge co-pays that we couldn’t afford to pay) We finally got approval for an ER 20 minutes away instead of the one that was 3 minutes away. We put him in his car seat and raced across town to the ER.

I honestly didn’t think he would make it to the ER. During our ride his eyes fluttered and rolled back and he was unresponsive.

When we got to the ER his temperature was 106. I don’t really remember what happened that night in the ER, except that I went out of the room because I couldn’t stand to watch them start an IV on him and learned that Princess Diana had been in a car accident and died.

After several hours and numerous tests the ER doctors and nurses had no real answer for our son’s high fever. They told us they didn’t know if he had any brain damage from the fever and that we probably wouldn’t know for several years. We took our little boy home and watched over him for several days, worried the mysterious fever would return.

It never did and life continued. I graduated from college and settled into my role as a mom and wife. I learned to cook and clean (sort of) and was busy with my two kids. I got a job at our church with the children’s ministry and once again Sailor and I settled into our routine of being gone when the other was home. It worked.

One of our favorite family activities was going to garage sales on Saturday mornings. We would load the kids up in the car and drive around town with a newspaper and a map looking for great deals. During that time I learned about a little website called eBay. I couldn’t believe people were selling junk online and people were buying. I spent my free time researching how eBay worked and quickly realized that selling items I purchase at garage sales on eBay was an easy way to earn money.

My first sale, a pair of ceramic siamese cat salt and pepper shakers. I paid $0.05 for them at a yard sale and sold them for over $50 on eBay. I was hooked.

I quit my job at the church and devoted most of my free time to eBay. It was nice earn extra money, especially with all the co-pays we had for our children with chronic ear infections, asthma, and other illnesses.

My working from home was not the best thing for our marriage. With Sailor going to school full-time he had a lot of free time at home. It was hard to figure out how to get along like normal people. We had many fights that lasted for days. We ended up in counseling, again.

One day in December we got into an exceptionally bad argument. Sailor’s anger seemed worse than usual and he was so spun up during the argument I was concerned he might do something stupid.  Then all of a sudden he collapsed to the floor. I was secretly happy that his yelling made him pass out, but scared at the same time. I yelled at him to get up and he said he would…. in a minute. But he couldn’t get up. He told me he was “taking a break” from arguing. I told him that no one takes a break from arguing and lays flat on the floor.

He finally got up and the argument was forgotten. I told him something must be wrong with him because no one yells loud enough to fall down. He said he would see a doctor soon.

A few nights later we were at a Christmas concert at church. In the middle of the concert Sailor leaned over to me and whispered:

Sailor: After the concert is over I need you to take me to the ER.

Me: What????

Sailor: I think I’m having a heart attack.

Me: What????

Sailor: A heart attack.

Me: If you are having a heart attack we need to go right now!

Sailor: I don’t want to make a scene.

Me: It will be a bigger scene when the paramedics drag your dead body out of this auditorium.

Sailor: Fine, but we’re going to miss the finale and you love the finale.

Me: We are going now!

I then leaned over to my dad and said, “After the concert pick up the kids and meet us at the ER, Sailor is having a heart attack.”

By the time we had walked out of the building half my family was following us. I told them not to worry and we’d see them soon.

We headed to the ER and were admitted immediately, apparently “chest pain” is the keyword for getting to the front of the line at the ER.

They admitted him for a few days and ran every test possible. He was totally fine. They couldn’t explain the chest pain or the earlier collapse but suggested it might be stress.

After Sailor was discharged I was afraid to leave him with the kids. His behavior was erratic and I wasn’t sure if he could handle a two and four year-old alone.

One day, against my better judgment he convinced me to go Christmas shopping while he watched the kids. I had been gone about 45 minutes when I received a phone call to come home immediately. Apparently Sailor had been talking to my aunt on the phone and all of a sudden the phone went dead. No one could reach my house. My mom was headed over there to see what was wrong but I needed to come home too.

I rushed home and opened my front door to find Sailor lying face down on the ground and my two year-old screaming next to him.

 

by admin -

Extreme Couponing at the Commissary?

A question from a reader:

I just finished reading “Pick Another Checkout Lane, Honey.” I have to say I was so motivated by the saving that the Krazy Coupon Lady’s experienced. So my question is, Is saving that extreme only possible at civilian supermarkets, or can we really coupon and save that much at our own commissaries? Please help inquiring minds in Jax, FL would love to know?

I haven’t read the book, but I did see Joanie on the Extreme Couponing show so I have a pretty good idea of what she is saving on groceries.

The fast answer to this question is no, you can’t save that much at the commissary.

But….

You can spend less at your commissary.

I have not shopped at every commissary or every civilian store, but it has been my experience that most regular priced items at the commissary are cheaper than civilian stores.

When it comes to sales, BOGO’s and double coupons, civilian grocery stores beat the commissary most of the time.

If you are familiar with the commissary coupon policy you know that they don’t double coupons and only occasionally offer BOGO’s. They do run sales every two weeks, but they don’t have penny items, register rewards or even coupons that print on your receipt.

Because civilian stores do offer these incentives it is possible to save more on your groceries… but saving more doesn’t mean spending less. Since this reader lives in Jacksonville, Florida I’ll compare a few items that are on sale this week at Publix with the same items at the commissary. I’ll throw some coupons in the mix too, although these coupons might not all be available in real life.

Ball Park Franks

  • Publix BOGO – Buy two for $4.49
  • Commissary- $1.29 each
  • Let’s assume we had a $1/2 coupon.
  • Your final price for 2 packs of Ball Park Franks is $3.49 at Publix.
  • Commissary final price $1.58.
  • On your receipt from Publix you would have saved $5.49 but on the commissary receipt you only saved $1.
  • You saved more at Publix, but spent less at the Commissary. Even if you shopped at a store that doubled coupons you would have paid less at the commissary.

Kraft Salad Dressing

  • Publix BOGO – Buy two for $3.39
  • Commissary Sale Price $1.60 each
  • Coupon $1/2
  • Publix Final Price $2.39 for two
  • Commissary Final Price $2.20 for two

If your store doubled you would spend less buying the salad dressing at Publix.

Bush’s Baked Beans

  • Publix 3/$5
  • Commissary $1.33 each or $3.99 for 3

Since this reader lives in Florida where they do not double coupons I think she will spend less overall shopping at the commissary. The commissary is almost always cheaper on produce, dairy, and meat unless you are comparing those items to loss leaders at a civilian store.

Just because she would spend less overall at the commissary doesn’t mean she shouldn’t shop the deals at her local stores. I recommend keeping a price book to make sure it is really a great deal. Keeping a price book will also keep track of prices on non sale items, you never know- your local store might be cheaper on a few things.

The fact is, there isn’t much extreme couponing going on at the commissary. Even if you have a coupon for every single item you probably aren’t going to walk out of there paying only a few dollars for a cart full of groceries. That doesn’t mean you can’t save by shopping there… you’ll just save more shopping at your local store.

The bottom line is that for many of these extreme couponers it isn’t about buying things they need, it is about the thrill of the deal. Most of them have admitted they LOVE finding deals and will do just about anything to get an item for free (or even get paid for buying it).

I don’t think it is wrong to want to save and find deals, but the bottom line is you need to buy groceries to feed your family. One hundred packs of free toilet paper, candy bars and sports drinks do not feed your family!

Stock up when there is a sale, keep a modest stock pile, search for the best deal, but in the end remember that you need to buy food to feed your family three meals a day. Vegetables, meat, milk, and other items that don’t often have available coupons are all items you need to consider in the final equation.

Many of the coupons today are for processed food which are not the healthiest and cheapest food for your family. You can often spend less on your groceries by preparing from scratch meals with whole foods. Whole foods that are often cheaper at the commissary.

So while there is nothing wrong with wanting to emulate all those extreme couponers out there, remember to think about your total monthly grocery bill instead of just the super coupon deals. Use the techniques taught by the extreme couponers to save on items you need at your local store, then do the rest of your shopping at the commissary.

Image source: Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyczyn

by admin -

Camping With Kids (Live Chat)

With the economy still sluggish many families are hesitant to spend their extra money on a vacation. A frugal alternative to the traditional vacation is camping!

Camping with the kids is a fun and frugal vacation but it can be intimidating to deal with kids, campfires, bugs, sleeping in the same tent, and feeding everyone!

This Tuesday (8/30) I’m teaming up with Dan from Dad Does to host a live chat on camping with kids! We’ll be covering topics such as:

  • How to get the kids to sleep while camping
  • Tips for getting the kids to unplug…and be happy about it
  • How to make reluctant kid campers happy campers
  • Kid friendly camping gadgets
  • Keeping kids safe at the campground
  • Cool camping experiences any kid would love

So bring your questions and your advice and join us on Tuesday, August 30 at 8:30 pm EST for a live chat in the KOA Around the Campfire Community.

 

by admin -

The Happy Housewife RSS/ Newsletter Issues

If you subscribe to The Happy Housewife via RSS or Newsletter you might have noticed that recently there are posts from another website appearing in the feed. This is a glitch – I am not drinking root beer martini’s, quoting Oprah, or posting CVS deals.

I apologize for any confusion this has caused and can assure you that we are working hard to fix this problem.

Thank you to everyone who alerted me to the problem. As always, if you ever see something that doesn’t look quite right to you around here please let me know.

by admin -

How to Respond to Negative Comments

A Few Comments in the QueueWhile this post is specifically about blog comments, the advice can be used in life too.

We all remember the first time we got a comment on our blog. We wrote excellent posts, yet the crickets continued to chirp for days, weeks or even months. Then one day we got our first comment, only to be disappointed when you realized it was your Aunt Sally from Wichita! Finally, after a while we started to receive comments from non family members! This was thrilling until we got that first critical comment. Maybe the recipe flopped, or the coupon didn’t work for them, or they just didn’t like the idea, but nevertheless, they are upset and are letting you know in a not so nice way on your blog.

Last week we discussed how to disagree on the internet. This week let’s talk about how to deal with negative feedback on the web. Even if you have never received a negative comment, if you keep publishing eventually you will. You will never be able to please everyone all the time, so remember to be true to your voice and don’t write to make everyone happy. Eventually someone will disagree with you.

There are several things you can do when you receive negative feedback.

Offense not Defense

Many times we get defensive when we receive negative feedback, but often we receive it because the tone of the article makes it sound like our idea is the only way to do something. Saying things like “I feel, This works for our family, or I’ve found this to be helpful” helps create a positive debate. If you write a post claiming that anyone who gives their child a bottle of formula is a terrible parent you are probably opening up a big ol’ can of worms. Everyone’s situation is different so don’t act like there is absolutely only one way to do something. Often how you say something is more important that what you say.  You can still be opinionated without being offensive.

Consider the Source

Is the feedback coming from a friend, long time reader/ follower, occasional commenter, or a total stranger? Since you have different relationships with these people your responses will vary. If a friend leaves you a negative comment on Facebook you can pick up the phone and work it out quickly. If it is a stranger your reaction should be different.

Read the Comment Carefully

Often times when we are upset our ability to read diminishes. 🙂 Read the comment several times to make sure you understand what the person is trying to say before you decide on a response.

Find the Truth

Many times there could be a nugget of truth buried in a mass of junk. Try to weed through the junk and consider if any of the points the commenter is making could be valid. While it is hard to admit you are wrong, it is even harder if the other person is wrong too. Try to avoid the blame game and take responsibility when necessary.

Delete

Sometimes a comment is just rude and has no redeeming value at all. Delete these types of comments and don’t think about them again. Some people (in the internet world we call them trolls) lurk around the internet just to insult others. Don’t give them the satisfaction of getting published, delete.

Delete Then Respond

Sometimes people have legitimate concerns, but their comment is so rude publishing it will cause “comment drama” on the site. Respond to the commenter via email addressing the concerns, but don’t publish the comment.

Respond With Kindness

Proverbs 15:1  – A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. I have heard numerous stories of bloggers responding to a harsh word with kindness and having the commenter come back and apologize for their comment or email. While you shouldn’t show kindness just to get a positive response, responding negatively almost guarantees another negative response.

Apologize

Even if you are 90% right, apologize for the 10%. Occasionally people will comment and take frustrations out on you, even if it has nothing to do with you. While this is not excusable, you are only accountable for your actions, not theirs. So take responsibility if necessary and apologize.

Contact them Privately

Sometimes a direct email is an opportunity for a peaceful resolution. Remember, what is sent via email does not contain any inflection, body language or other non verbal cues. Choose your words carefully to help resolve the issue. I recommend contacting them privately rather than in the comments because responding in the comments can lead to more conflict.

Know Your Rights

A few states have passed cyber-stalking laws, so find out if you have any legal protection.  If you are being threatened you can contact the authorities and have them handle it.

Grow Thick Skin

The larger your audience the more likely you are to have negative feedback from readers. Learn to shrug off the stuff that isn’t important. Don’t get offended if every single person doesn’t love your ideas. People are going to disagree with you, and some of them aren’t going to be polite about it. Learn to let it go, and don’t dwell on the negative.

photo by Chris Guillebeau

by admin -

How to Disagree on the Internet

Life As Mom’s comment policy.

This post has been on my heart for several weeks. While my readers, even when they think I’m nuts, are polite and disagree in love on this site, I frequently hear from bloggers who have been hurt by comments or emails from readers. Often times it isn’t what was said, but rather how it was said. When writing we don’t have the benefit of body language or inflection in our voice to get the point across. Sometimes what was meant to be funny comes across as rude when typed instead of spoken.

I believe well meaning people are often misunderstood and can become involved in heated arguments because of a few words or capital letters in a comment or Facebook post.

So what happens when you read something on the internet that you don’t agree with? Everyone has a right to their opinion, but there is a way to share it with grace. Often times we get caught up in sharing “truth’ and forget that giving truth with grace goes a long way towards keeping the discussion friendly and respectful. And Bloggers- you can turn a negative comment into a positive experience (that post coming later this week).

There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with someone, but how you do it can make the difference between open dialogue and a nasty argument. While these suggestions are written with the internet in mind, many of them apply to real life situations too.

Examine Your Motivation for Commenting

Before you leave a comment that is critical determine your motivation for commenting. Are you passionate about the topic? Are you a subject matter expert? Do you have experience in this area, or are you just venting/letting off steam about a particular subject a blogger is writing about? If you want to vent it is better to do it on your own blog, FB page, or Twitter account. Venting on someone else’s space isn’t very polite and usually doesn’t create a productive debate. If your comment can contribute to the discussion in a productive way (and I think disagreeing can be productive) then speak your mind, respectfully.

Do Unto Others

Before you leave a comment, send an email, or comment on Facebook consider how you would feel if you received a similar comment. Would it encourage you to rethink your views, change your mind, or just hurt your feelings? When disagreeing think of how you would like to receive feedback and let that be your guide.

Share Your Feedback Respectfully in the Comment Section

This is probably the easiest way to share feedback. Most websites allow for comments and leaving one only takes a few minutes. When leaving a comment, remember that the person’s blog is their home on the internet. Be respectful. If you disagree with someone do it in a kind way. Share why you disagree and remember to try to leave some positive feedback too. If the blog you are reading is so off target that you can’t find anything nice to say, maybe it is time to stop reading that blog.

Also remember that things like excessive punctuation and capitals signifies strong emotion or even anger. Refraining from using these in the critical comments goes a long way.

Send an Email

If you feel very strongly about a topic consider sending an email rather than posting in the comment section. Often leaving a critical comment will incite the blogger’s friends to their defense and a large internet slug fest will begin. What’s the point? While some blogs encourage this type of debate, I see this happen far too often on blogs that try to encourage, build up, and help others. A comment war benefits no one.

An email is a good way to privately confront someone if you feel strongly about a topic. Perhaps the blogger will reconsider their post and even edit it if they have erred. The chances of this happening when corresponding via email are much greater than if you leave a public comment.

Sleep On It

It’s not a good idea to leave a comment or send an email when you are fired up about something. Write the comment or email, save it and sleep on it. If in the morning you still feel strongly about the topic, submit it. You might find that how you feel in the heat of the moment is much different than how you feel when you’ve had a chance to think about it for a few hours.

Offer a Positive Alternative

There might be instances when someone posts something that does not work for you. Rather than commenting that their idea is the worst idea ever, share that it didn’t work for your family, but something else did. No blogger thinks their ideas work for everyone, and many enjoy hearing reader suggestions in the comments.

Keep Quiet

You probably wouldn’t walk into a neighbor’s house and tell them you hated their carpet and curtains, so don’t leave a comment with similar sentiments, unless they are asking for feedback. If you don’t like the color choice or design of someone’s site, keep it to yourself or stop reading.

Walk Away

There are millions of blogs to chose from, so if you always find yourself disagreeing with the author stop reading it. It doesn’t benefit you and wastes your time if you are just reading a blog so you can disagree.

Long Time Readers Earn the Right to Disagree (because they’re family)

If you are a frequent reader and positive commenter on a blog, a critical comment will probably not offend the blog author. Personally, I consider my long time reader/ commenters like family and find their comments helpful even when they disagree. This is because they have earned the right to disagree because we have a relationship (albiet a virtual one). Just like in real life, you have the freedom to disagree with your friends but you probably wouldn’t get into a disagreement with someone standing in line at the grocery store.

You Are Not Anonymous

I often think people are more disrespectful on the internet because they feel there is a level of anonymity. Let me tell you, there isn’t. If someone wants to figure out where you live, work, your phone number, children’s school, and mother’s maiden name- they can. All they need is your IP address and email, which is listed on any comment you leave on the internet. In some states there are now laws against internet bullying and you can actually be sued for threatening comments. Obviously, this isn’t something that applies to my readers, but it is a good reminder not to get caught up in a comment war. It isn’t worth it.

If you wouldn’t share it over coffee to a friend it probably shouldn’t be shared over the internet either.

by admin -

It’s Starts With a Spark

Last week I sent my kids back to Maryland to attend a TeenPact event. If you aren’t familiar with TeenPact and you homeschool it is worth researching for your family.

During the week the students learn about government and elect Delegates, Senators and a Governor from their peers. This year my daughter ran for governor, but lost to her good friend Evan. He appointed her Lt. Governor and she said she was thankful because she didn’t have to give the Governor’s speech. She came home from TeenPact and told me Evan’s speech was the best she’d heard at TeenPact, I’ve included an excerpt below.

….And that’s all incredibly important, because ignorance gets us nowhere.  We need to be competent, resourceful, confident, even vivacious!  We need to realize that change happens when one person stands up and says “I’ve had enough!”  We need to realize that a battle cry starts with one voice; that a forest fire starts with a flame, and a flame begins with a single spark.  As young people, you and I are told we can’t; we are too young; come back in ten years.  But you can make a difference.  You can be that spark.  You can be that voice that starts the charge.  That’s something Teenpact does.  It gives a vision and a hope.  We are the next generation.  We can impact our nation; we can impact our capitals; we can impact our neighborhoods.

Whether you homeschool or not your kids can make a difference in your home, your community, your country and the world. Don’t let your kids settle for waiting until they get “old enough” to make a difference. They can make a difference today. Find out what your child is passionate about and use that passion to make a difference.

Although this speech was written for a group of high schoolers I believe we can learn something from it too. As moms many times we feel we labor in vain. We are tired from late night feedings, overwhelmed with diapers and laundry, and busy with soccer practice, music lessons and play dates. The young man who wrote this speech has a mother who has spent the past 18 years raising a son who is a leader, game changer, and visionary. While we might not see the fruit of our labor when our kids are young (and we are removing melted crayon from our dryers) we must stay focused on the future.

We are changing the diapers of future missionaries, soldiers, and Senators. We are pushing future teachers and fire fighters on the park swings. We are putting band aids on the “boo boo’s” of future doctors and nurses. As mom’s we make a difference in our children’s lives, the lives of their friends and those they influence. We may never give a Governor’s speech, shock someone’s heart back into rhythm, or travel to an African village to talk about Jesus, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change the world.

It starts with a single spark. What are you waiting for?

If you have a Facebook account I think you can read the speech in its entirety.