Toni Anderson

While this post is specifically about blog comments, the advice can be used in life too.

We all remember the first time we got a comment on our blog. We wrote excellent posts, yet the crickets continued to chirp for days, weeks or even months. Then one day we got our first comment, only to be disappointed when you realized it was your Aunt Sally from Wichita! Finally, after a while we started to receive comments from non family members! This was thrilling until we got that first critical comment. Maybe the recipe flopped, or the coupon didn’t work for them, or they just didn’t like the idea, but nevertheless, they are upset and are letting you know in a not so nice way on your blog.

Last week we discussed how to disagree on the internet. This week let’s talk about how to deal with negative feedback on the web. Even if you have never received a negative comment, if you keep publishing eventually you will. You will never be able to please everyone all the time, so remember to be true to your voice and don’t write to make everyone happy. Eventually someone will disagree with you.

There are several things you can do when you receive negative feedback.

Offense not Defense

Many times we get defensive when we receive negative feedback, but often we receive it because the tone of the article makes it sound like our idea is the only way to do something. Saying things like “I feel, This works for our family, or I’ve found this to be helpful” helps create a positive debate. If you write a post claiming that anyone who gives their child a bottle of formula is a terrible parent you are probably opening up a big ol’ can of worms. Everyone’s situation is different so don’t act like there is absolutely only one way to do something. Often how you say something is more important that what you say.  You can still be opinionated without being offensive.

Consider the Source

Is the feedback coming from a friend, long time reader/ follower, occasional commenter, or a total stranger? Since you have different relationships with these people your responses will vary. If a friend leaves you a negative comment on Facebook you can pick up the phone and work it out quickly. If it is a stranger your reaction should be different.

Read the Comment Carefully

Often times when we are upset our ability to read diminishes. 🙂 Read the comment several times to make sure you understand what the person is trying to say before you decide on a response.

Find the Truth

Many times there could be a nugget of truth buried in a mass of junk. Try to weed through the junk and consider if any of the points the commenter is making could be valid. While it is hard to admit you are wrong, it is even harder if the other person is wrong too. Try to avoid the blame game and take responsibility when necessary.

Delete

Sometimes a comment is just rude and has no redeeming value at all. Delete these types of comments and don’t think about them again. Some people (in the internet world we call them trolls) lurk around the internet just to insult others. Don’t give them the satisfaction of getting published, delete.

Delete Then Respond

Sometimes people have legitimate concerns, but their comment is so rude publishing it will cause “comment drama” on the site. Respond to the commenter via email addressing the concerns, but don’t publish the comment.

Respond With Kindness

Proverbs 15:1  – A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. I have heard numerous stories of bloggers responding to a harsh word with kindness and having the commenter come back and apologize for their comment or email. While you shouldn’t show kindness just to get a positive response, responding negatively almost guarantees another negative response.

Apologize

Even if you are 90% right, apologize for the 10%. Occasionally people will comment and take frustrations out on you, even if it has nothing to do with you. While this is not excusable, you are only accountable for your actions, not theirs. So take responsibility if necessary and apologize.

Contact them Privately

Sometimes a direct email is an opportunity for a peaceful resolution. Remember, what is sent via email does not contain any inflection, body language or other non verbal cues. Choose your words carefully to help resolve the issue. I recommend contacting them privately rather than in the comments because responding in the comments can lead to more conflict.

Know Your Rights

A few states have passed cyber-stalking laws, so find out if you have any legal protection.  If you are being threatened you can contact the authorities and have them handle it.

Grow Thick Skin

The larger your audience the more likely you are to have negative feedback from readers. Learn to shrug off the stuff that isn’t important. Don’t get offended if every single person doesn’t love your ideas. People are going to disagree with you, and some of them aren’t going to be polite about it. Learn to let it go, and don’t dwell on the negative.

photo by Chris Guillebeau

Life As Mom’s comment policy.

This post has been on my heart for several weeks. While my readers, even when they think I’m nuts, are polite and disagree in love on this site, I frequently hear from bloggers who have been hurt by comments or emails from readers. Often times it isn’t what was said, but rather how it was said. When writing we don’t have the benefit of body language or inflection in our voice to get the point across. Sometimes what was meant to be funny comes across as rude when typed instead of spoken.

I believe well meaning people are often misunderstood and can become involved in heated arguments because of a few words or capital letters in a comment or Facebook post.

So what happens when you read something on the internet that you don’t agree with? Everyone has a right to their opinion, but there is a way to share it with grace. Often times we get caught up in sharing “truth’ and forget that giving truth with grace goes a long way towards keeping the discussion friendly and respectful. And Bloggers- you can turn a negative comment into a positive experience (that post coming later this week).

There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with someone, but how you do it can make the difference between open dialogue and a nasty argument. While these suggestions are written with the internet in mind, many of them apply to real life situations too.

Examine Your Motivation for Commenting

Before you leave a comment that is critical determine your motivation for commenting. Are you passionate about the topic? Are you a subject matter expert? Do you have experience in this area, or are you just venting/letting off steam about a particular subject a blogger is writing about? If you want to vent it is better to do it on your own blog, FB page, or Twitter account. Venting on someone else’s space isn’t very polite and usually doesn’t create a productive debate. If your comment can contribute to the discussion in a productive way (and I think disagreeing can be productive) then speak your mind, respectfully.

Do Unto Others

Before you leave a comment, send an email, or comment on Facebook consider how you would feel if you received a similar comment. Would it encourage you to rethink your views, change your mind, or just hurt your feelings? When disagreeing think of how you would like to receive feedback and let that be your guide.

Share Your Feedback Respectfully in the Comment Section

This is probably the easiest way to share feedback. Most websites allow for comments and leaving one only takes a few minutes. When leaving a comment, remember that the person’s blog is their home on the internet. Be respectful. If you disagree with someone do it in a kind way. Share why you disagree and remember to try to leave some positive feedback too. If the blog you are reading is so off target that you can’t find anything nice to say, maybe it is time to stop reading that blog.

Also remember that things like excessive punctuation and capitals signifies strong emotion or even anger. Refraining from using these in the critical comments goes a long way.

Send an Email

If you feel very strongly about a topic consider sending an email rather than posting in the comment section. Often leaving a critical comment will incite the blogger’s friends to their defense and a large internet slug fest will begin. What’s the point? While some blogs encourage this type of debate, I see this happen far too often on blogs that try to encourage, build up, and help others. A comment war benefits no one.

An email is a good way to privately confront someone if you feel strongly about a topic. Perhaps the blogger will reconsider their post and even edit it if they have erred. The chances of this happening when corresponding via email are much greater than if you leave a public comment.

Sleep On It

It’s not a good idea to leave a comment or send an email when you are fired up about something. Write the comment or email, save it and sleep on it. If in the morning you still feel strongly about the topic, submit it. You might find that how you feel in the heat of the moment is much different than how you feel when you’ve had a chance to think about it for a few hours.

Offer a Positive Alternative

There might be instances when someone posts something that does not work for you. Rather than commenting that their idea is the worst idea ever, share that it didn’t work for your family, but something else did. No blogger thinks their ideas work for everyone, and many enjoy hearing reader suggestions in the comments.

Keep Quiet

You probably wouldn’t walk into a neighbor’s house and tell them you hated their carpet and curtains, so don’t leave a comment with similar sentiments, unless they are asking for feedback. If you don’t like the color choice or design of someone’s site, keep it to yourself or stop reading.

Walk Away

There are millions of blogs to chose from, so if you always find yourself disagreeing with the author stop reading it. It doesn’t benefit you and wastes your time if you are just reading a blog so you can disagree.

Long Time Readers Earn the Right to Disagree (because they’re family)

If you are a frequent reader and positive commenter on a blog, a critical comment will probably not offend the blog author. Personally, I consider my long time reader/ commenters like family and find their comments helpful even when they disagree. This is because they have earned the right to disagree because we have a relationship (albiet a virtual one). Just like in real life, you have the freedom to disagree with your friends but you probably wouldn’t get into a disagreement with someone standing in line at the grocery store.

You Are Not Anonymous

I often think people are more disrespectful on the internet because they feel there is a level of anonymity. Let me tell you, there isn’t. If someone wants to figure out where you live, work, your phone number, children’s school, and mother’s maiden name- they can. All they need is your IP address and email, which is listed on any comment you leave on the internet. In some states there are now laws against internet bullying and you can actually be sued for threatening comments. Obviously, this isn’t something that applies to my readers, but it is a good reminder not to get caught up in a comment war. It isn’t worth it.

If you wouldn’t share it over coffee to a friend it probably shouldn’t be shared over the internet either.

February is gone, can you believe it? Another month has passed in our FB 365 Project, did you take a photo every day? I missed a few days this month, which seems to be a routine for me now! There are days when I don’t have my camera with me and I end up going to bed and remembering I didn’t take a photo!

I did something I have never done before in February. I went to Disney World with the kids and didn’t take my camera- on purpose! I just decided I didn’t want to carry it around, so I left it at home. It was weird to not have it, but it was also nice to enjoy the day and not worry about photos. I did snap a few with my phone and this picture is my favorite for the month of February.

Nothing like a surprise trip to Disney World to celebrate your 5th birthday! I think the smile says it all.

Last week I sent my kids back to Maryland to attend a TeenPact event. If you aren’t familiar with TeenPact and you homeschool it is worth researching for your family.

During the week the students learn about government and elect Delegates, Senators and a Governor from their peers. This year my daughter ran for governor, but lost to her good friend Evan. He appointed her Lt. Governor and she said she was thankful because she didn’t have to give the Governor’s speech. She came home from TeenPact and told me Evan’s speech was the best she’d heard at TeenPact, I’ve included an excerpt below.

….And that’s all incredibly important, because ignorance gets us nowhere.  We need to be competent, resourceful, confident, even vivacious!  We need to realize that change happens when one person stands up and says “I’ve had enough!”  We need to realize that a battle cry starts with one voice; that a forest fire starts with a flame, and a flame begins with a single spark.  As young people, you and I are told we can’t; we are too young; come back in ten years.  But you can make a difference.  You can be that spark.  You can be that voice that starts the charge.  That’s something Teenpact does.  It gives a vision and a hope.  We are the next generation.  We can impact our nation; we can impact our capitals; we can impact our neighborhoods.

Whether you homeschool or not your kids can make a difference in your home, your community, your country and the world. Don’t let your kids settle for waiting until they get “old enough” to make a difference. They can make a difference today. Find out what your child is passionate about and use that passion to make a difference.

Although this speech was written for a group of high schoolers I believe we can learn something from it too. As moms many times we feel we labor in vain. We are tired from late night feedings, overwhelmed with diapers and laundry, and busy with soccer practice, music lessons and play dates. The young man who wrote this speech has a mother who has spent the past 18 years raising a son who is a leader, game changer, and visionary. While we might not see the fruit of our labor when our kids are young (and we are removing melted crayon from our dryers) we must stay focused on the future.

We are changing the diapers of future missionaries, soldiers, and Senators. We are pushing future teachers and fire fighters on the park swings. We are putting band aids on the “boo boo’s” of future doctors and nurses. As mom’s we make a difference in our children’s lives, the lives of their friends and those they influence. We may never give a Governor’s speech, shock someone’s heart back into rhythm, or travel to an African village to talk about Jesus, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change the world.

It starts with a single spark. What are you waiting for?

If you have a Facebook account I think you can read the speech in its entirety.