Category: Military

Our guest post today is from Ann Marie, an Army wife, who is currently stationed in Germany. A SAHM of 3 children under age 4, her hobbies (when she has time!) include blogging, photography, cooking, sewing, and gardening. You can find her at her writing at Thoughts and Musings of Ann Marie.

Deployments with small children

I am a relatively “new” military wife, in that we’ve only been married about 5 years… but you could call me a somewhat “seasoned” army wife, in that my husband has deployed to Iraq 3 times and we just had our third baby! For this article I will often be referring to my “soldier” and “daddy” being deployed – I do realize there are both men and women deployed in all the branches of our armed forces – it’s just for simplicities sake. 🙂

I am no expert when it comes to deployments… but I can share what we have done in our family to help our children cope with Daddy being away. One important lesson I have learned is that I have to take care of myself in order to care for our children – this doesn’t mean a daily facial and large portions of chocolate covered strawberries…. Getting enough rest, some sort of exercise routine, eating healthy, and spending time with other spouses are a few good suggestions. Once a week during this last deployment, I would put my two boys in daycare for 4 hours. This was MY time… I could run errands, catch up on household chores, or just take a hot bubble bath and paint my toes… As parents, we often put ourselves last on the list – but if you don’t keep refilling your cup, you can’t overflow into your children.

Infants (birth to 2yrs.)

While I was pregnant with our first child, I recorded my husband reading stories to my belly. While Daddy is deployed, I play it at bedtime – so our children fall asleep listening to him tell stories. I also saved some of his worn t-shirts, put them in freezer Ziploc bags, and periodically pull them out during the deployment so our children are familiar with his smell… (not stinky BO smell! but nice Daddy-Man smell!) I also have pictures everywhere… literally everywhere… I print 8×10 pictures with our printer, and hang them on the fridge, closet doors, and even sideways by the changing table… everywhere our little people spend time.

Young children (2-4yrs)

Sesame street has created a wonderful video series called “Talk, Listen, Connect” to help young children understand deployment. (They are free to download from their website.) The also have great suggestions for activities for while your soldier is deployed – print out calendars and make Xs on days until homecoming or talk to Daddy on the phone or via webcam if possible.

There are lots of different organizations such as Operation Hug-a-Hero and Dog Tags for Kids where you can order things to help your children stay connected with their deployed soldier. There are also many new children’s books about deployment that can help your child express some of what they are going through (search children deployment on amazon and you’ll find a ton).

The internet is a good place to find information and resources to help you and your child cope with deployment. Here are a few good links I discovered while researching this post:

• MilitaryFamily.org
• Surviving Deployment.com
• DeploymentKids.com

If you are a military family who has been through a deployment – What are the things that really helped you? What did you learn about your children? How did you stay connected?

The following is a guest post from a fellow military spouse who has taken advantage of an awesome opportunity provided to military spouses.  Rachel Perez runs a Copywriting, Editing and Proofreading Services website.

Rachel says:

I am very happily married to my husband of eight years and we have two children, a five-year-old son and a nine-month old daughter.  After struggling in corporate America for four years after his graduation from college, my husband decided to follow through on something he’d wanted to do for several years – join the Army.  He left for Basic Training in October 2008, and we moved to our first duty station (1700 miles from home) in June 2009.

I taught high school science for eight years in Texas, and simply assumed that I would be able to find a teaching job in New Jersey.  In Texas, a person with a bachelor’s degree can get a teaching job and work on obtaining certification during their first year of teaching, so I thought I would be able to do something similar in New Jersey.  I applied for eight or ten jobs and received not one single phone call.  As August approached, it became clear that I would not be teaching during the 2009/2010 school year because I didn’t have my New Jersey teaching license.

I spoke to a woman at the Army Community Service on our post regarding their Employment Readiness Program.  She directed me to Military One Source and told me that they had funding available for education of military spouses.  I will admit that, at first, the Military One Source website was overwhelming; they have so much information.  After creating an account with the site, I eventually called the toll-free number to get more specific directions. I was directed to the My Career Advancement Account (MyCAA) information and account creation pages.

Military One Source allows for up to $6000 in funding for spouses of active duty members (including activated National Guard and Reservists) to further their education in a portable career.  An incredibly wide variety of careers qualify.  This funding can be used to take courses that will result in a degree, license, or certification.   Military One Source provides MyCAA consultants to help spouses create Career Plans and choose appropriate coursework.

Military One Source has already established connections with hundreds of schools, so registering and making payment for coursework at those schools is very simple.  Additionally, if a spouse would like to take courses at a school that has not already formed an agreement with Military One Source, there are instructions for getting that school to contact Military One Source and make those arrangements.

My personal experience with MyCAA could have been a bit better.  I had to make several different phone calls to get information about making my career plan, received a different set of instructions each time and then did not receive return calls.  Finally, I insisted that the MyCAA consultant stay on the phone with me while I arranged for my coursework.  She walked me through each step successfully as I negotiated their online registration.  I then had to call the school I had chosen and let them know that the funding for my coursework would be through Military One Source.  The person I spoke to at the school took my information, double-checked with Military One Source, and called me back in 10 minutes to confirm my acceptance, registration and enrollment.  I started on my coursework that very afternoon.

The very best part about this process is that I never had to make a payment.  I didn’t have to wonder if I would get reimbursed or lose money due to misinformation or a technicality.  Military One Source makes payment directly to the school.

I would have been able to use this funding to obtain my New Jersey teaching certificate, but I’ve decided to go a different direction with my career.  For several years, I’ve looked at becoming a freelance writer, but I never had the time or funds to invest in it.  MyCAA has allowed me to take an online program that will result in a Technical Writing certification.

My advice for military spouses is to visit MyCAA and get started.  Be persistent with the MyCAA consultants.  This funding is there for the taking, so get after it!

The following is a guest post by The Happier Husband. During his 22 year military career he has earned 3 degrees and numerous certifications most of them for free thanks to the educational benefits provided to him by the military.

The steady pay and medical coverage are clearly the biggest immediate benefits one gets when they sign up to put themselves in harms way as a service member, but I believe the biggest long term benefit and the most under-utlilized is the educational package offered to our active duty folks. Let me write that in another way – If you or your spouse is active duty and you aren’t using your educational benefits, you’re losing out on several thousand dollars a year worth of long term benefits.

The military does a great job of training its members to do the job they’ve been hired to do. This training sometimes is transferable to civilian employment, sometimes not. An accredited degree will always be an asset and will never leave your resume. U.S. service members have signed on to leave home with no notice, possibly go in to the most dangerous places in the world, and perhaps not be able to tell anybody the details when they get back. Take advantage of the benefits you’ve been offered. The military will get what they need out of you so get what you can while you can.

Enough of the soapbox – What are the details?

The first and most obvious benefit is Tuition Assistance (TA). Depending on your branch of service, you can get $3,500-$4,500 of college classes 100% covered. This is huge. If you are willing to get a regionally accredited degree from an online or local school you can tack on big numbers on your salary once you get out or apply your degree to your military career in terms of faster enlisted advancement or a commission/promotion. The degree is a prerequisite for most commissioning programs and, although it doesn’t guarantee advancement/promotion, it make you more competitive with your peers for the next rank up.

This is a huge deal. I consistently talk to my sailors about using these benefits and the great majority of them are not in programs. There are very few acceptable excuses for not starting. Life will always give you roadblocks. Your job is to make your way over or around them so you can make a better future for you and your family. Have your military transcripts evaluated and you may find that you’re closer to a degree than you imagined. Find a school (again, regionally accredited) that will take your military credits and give you a head start on your degree completion. With so many colleges and universities offering online classes there is no excuse for not pursuing some sort of degree.

If traditional college isn’t your cup of tea, consider using TA for a certificate program. TA can be used to obtain computer certifications, a real estate license, or other non traditional course as long as they are approved and accredited.

Over a 20 year military career not using your Tuition Assistance benefits could cost you 90,000 dollars in educational benefits! What are you waiting for?

Tomorrow, or sooner, contact your base education office and get started on something that can change your life. Get your bachelor’s and then start your masters degree – for free!

Coming up next: How I earned 27 undergraduate credits free in one day and how you can too.

This post is part of the series, Making it in the Military, dedicated to helping service members and their families make the most out of their time in the service. You can find the rest of the articles here.

Jennifer Haskell is a Canadian military wife and a coordinator at a Military Family Resource Centre in Meaford, Ontario. Everyday she finds herself privileged to work with Canada’s bravest families as they deal with the ups and downs of deployment and looks to share some of her personal and professional experience with families facing a separation due to deployment. Her husband is currently away on pre-deployment training (deploying to Afghanistan in April 2010) so she has taken up blogging about life, home, and the military to help pass the time. Catch up on the journey at Canadian Rhapsody.

The Emotional Cycle of Deployment

The emotional cycle of deployment can be useful for families to identify if they emotions and behaviors they are experiencing are normal (they are!), and help them to minimize the problems normally faced by military families simply by understanding the process of adjustment.

For instance, lack of intimacy just before deployment could be accepted as a natural reaction to difficult circumstances rather than being viewed as personal rejection. Arguing during that time may be tolerated instead of perceived as evidence of a deteriorating marriage. It also helps to know that it is perfectly normal to feel somewhat strange with each other when the husband first comes home. Almost everyone feels reassured just knowing that their range and fluctuation of emotions are normal.

Stage One-Anticipation of Loss (1-6 weeks out)

Expect to begin bickering more often, and feeling moments of anger or resentfulness (spouse) or guilt over leaving (soldier). You may even find yourself crying unexpectedly at movies or commercials. Tension, frustration or even depression can all be common as you face the prospect of the next few months.

Stage Two-Detachment and Withdrawal (1 Week prior)

The last few weeks before separation, couples will often begin to distance themselves from each other in an effort to make the goodbyes easier; this can be seen in reduced intimacy, emotional distancing, numbness, or even just impatience. The bickering that may have started in stage 1 will continue as it’s easier to let someone go when we’re not too happy with them!

Stage Three-Emotional Disorganization (First 6 weeks of Deployment)

Once your loved one has left, it can be difficult to settle into a new routine for the deployment; the kids will be upset, you may be feeling guilty for how much you were fighting beforehand, or you may just be feeling lonely. Expect some difficulty sleeping and making decisions, and spend a few weeks focusing on the kids and helping them to feel connected to their missing parent.

Stage Four-Recovery and Stabilization (Variable stage; ‘midway point’)

Now that you are coming into the midway point in the deployment, you are gaining some confidence in your ability to make all of the decisions and hold all of the responsibilities in the home. Some women may still feel anxious or depressed dealing with all of the responsibilities and being isolated from their husband and/or extended family, however most women have a new sense of independence and freedom and take pride in their ability to cope alone.

If changes occur (deployment extended, etc.) during this stage, it is easier for families to adapt and prepare, as they have not yet begun the preparations for homecoming and have to put them on hold.

Stage Five-Anticipation of Homecoming (Last 6 weeks of deployment)

He’s coming home soon! If you and the kids have been keeping track, there’s probably not many jellybeans left in the jar (see bottom), and the entire family will begin feeling both the excitement and apprehension of having your loved one return.

The homecoming or reintegration is one of the most difficult times during a deployment, yet it often gets the least preparation. Everyone in the family has changed and experienced new things, and it is important to do some legwork ahead of time to help your family to have a smooth transition.

We all have projects we intended to work on during the deployment, whether for ourselves or decided as a family, and during the last few weeks when the countdown begins, it can be overwhelming to look over what you have not yet accomplished. Don’t sweat it; deployment leaves the at-home spouse with a lot of responsibilities, so you’ve probably been a little busy! This is also a good time to look at the new routines and activities that the family has become accustomed to, and figure out ways to make room for the returning spouse to participate. Many spouses begin to fear that they will have to give up the new activities that they have come to enjoy once their soldiers return, but it’s important to maintain those things that you enjoy and ensure that you are taking care of yourself as well.

The biggest ‘symptom’ or ‘reaction’ of this stage? Joy!

Stage Six- Renegotiation of the Marriage Contract (First 6 weeks at home)

For many months it has been ‘my house, my tv, my remote’, and all of a sudden there’s someone there sitting in my chair, watching my TV, and eating my food. It can be a difficult transition for anyone! You may begin to miss all of those responsibilities and freedoms you had when you were on your own, even if you hated making those decisions at the time. During this stage, the couple has to make major adjustments in roles and responsibilities; the marriage cannot and will not be exactly the same as before deployment: both spouses have had varied experiences and have grown in different ways, and these changes must be accommodated.

Stage Seven – Reintegration and Stabilization (6-12 weeks after redeployment)

Things do get better! If you’ve been open to allowing the changes that have occurred in each of you to have space in your new found relationship, you will be on your way to building new closeness and routines as a family and as a couple.

Coming up next Jennifer discusses BATTLEMIND, a program that helps families to understand the behaviors and skills that are important in battle and which may be difficult for soldiers to turn off once they’ve arrived home.